Months ago I had a true Eat, Pray, Love moment. I woke up from my typical 6 hours of sleep feeling like a car with a busted transmission. My first thought was, “this must be covid!” But alas, the test said no. That day I felt a deep aching not just in my body, but in my spirit. I was faced with what felt like a big decision and it felt urgent. I could turn a corner and decide to fully live or I could surrender to what had become a mundane existence of going through the motions and simply tolerating my life.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for over ten years. In those early years I was able to go back to graduate school and eventually earn my Master degree in Professional Counseling, which was a huge blessing, as I got to do what feels like soul work. For many reasons, I wasn’t able to pursue a counseling career right away, but we’ll get into that later. However, those years spent pursuing a degree, attending classes, filling my brain with fascinating information, interacting regularly with other adult humans - was bliss! Don’t get me wrong, juggling a toddler and an infant all day and then reading and writing papers late into the night wasn’t exactly easy or always fun, but the stimulation and sense of purpose I felt was extremely gratifying. My ability to use my gifts to bless others and help others mend their souls was truly like medicine to me.
I’m describing what feels like one chunk out of the last ten years, though. The rest of the time I have spent working in hospitality. A mom of two kids and a dog, a wife, a housekeeper, a cook, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a trip planner, a bill payer, a crisis manager, a teacher (oh, the online Covid school days brings up PTSD!!), an activities coordinator, a taxi driver, a health advocate for my kids, a hostess, etc. You get the point. It’s interesting how when you write it all out just how many roles we as moms play, yet rarely do we get a performance review or a promotion from our bosses.
My identity took a huge hit. Prior to kids, I was a successful, ambitious woman who owned a condo and felt like I could take on the world. I had a lot of energy, self-discipline and agency over my schedule. Being acknowledged, feeling seen and having a way to measure my success were baked into the cake of my lifestyle. That affirmation was such a constant in my life that I never even realized it was something that I actually needed to function properly. Once I got married and had babies, my lifestyle changed. *It needs to be said that becoming a mom was probably the biggest gift that I’ve ever been given, BUT it’s also okay to admit how hard it was and how difficult of a transition it was*. Changes started happening slowly over the years that speak to how I lost my sense of identity. Let’s start with my body. To be honest, I never really lost my baby weight after my second child was born, who is now 8! Drinking wine in the evenings became a pretty regular vice. Once the kids were down at night I yearned for some decompression time where I could be alone, without anyone touching me. That led to too many hours with BRAVO, word search games, and too many facebook group chats. My sleep suffered because of this. As you know, kids wake up EARLY - every. single. day. I felt like I was living in a casino for so many years, never knowing or caring about whether it was day or night, just trying to get through until the kids were all grown up and headed off to college. Sweatpants, dirty hair, goldfish for breakfast- it became my mainstay (my poor, sweet husband!). The sadness and frustration and mom rage I felt was significant. And then right on the heels of those feelings comes the mom guilt. How dare I feel lonely or sad? I had a wonderful husband who worked very hard so that I could stay home with our kids. Logically, that’s all I’d ever wanted but practically, it didn’t always feel like enough. Those were some of the very heavy feelings I carried around daily and aside from my mom, I tried to not share much about with people because it made me feel radioactive and guilty. Sure, there were a lot of sweet moments in between when I could truly appreciate and experience the beauty that is motherhood, but the overall loss of identity felt and still feels significant.
There is hope!
So, back to the adult temper tantrum I described at the beginning of this- I had a decision to make. Would I continue to live this way feeling like a victim or a martyr for putting myself on the back burner in order to satisfy everyone else’s needs? Or would I believe in myself, my worth and decide that it’s time to reclaim my identity and bring Dana back from the dead?
I was tired of being tired and sick of hearing myself complain about it. So, I allowed myself to grieve that day. I cried about all the regrets, all the anger, all the fears about what it would be like to allow myself to change. I cried about how I was afraid to put myself back out there, for fear of being rejected or worried that atrophy had set in over all of the years asleep at the wheel. I cried to my husband explaining how sad I was that I was a shallow version of the wife that he always deserved. I cried about how I wanted to show up differently for my kids, without the attitude about making dinner or doing another load of laundry. I cried about knowing that these changes would involve putting down some of my comforts and replacing them with healthier choices. I cried about what felt like lost years from my life, even though I had technically been living.
If you were to ask me, it was a rock bottom. I think in order to make significant, lasting changes in life we HAVE to be at this point of despair and honesty with ourselves. We have to see how sometimes our choices have led us down certain paths and we have to hold ourselves accountable to those. Until you’re up against that wall, it’s too easy to lean back into what is familiar, what is comfortable, even when it’s inconspicuously destructive.
I’ve made my choice that I’m ready to rejoin the land of the living. I also realized that I’ve been saving up ten years of energy and so my passion today feels tangible, explosive even! I know what I need to do and I’ve made the decision to show up for myself and for my family in a different, better way. They deserve Dana. I deserve Dana. Not the watered down, zombie version but the whole, healthy, energetic woman who is here to fulfill a purpose! With my commitment to that decision and some consistent lifestyle changes, I am seeing the results. I’m exercising regularly. I’m more present with and connected to my kids and I’m letting myself have fun with them. My marriage has taken on a new iteration filled with gratitude, respect and deeper love than we've had in a long time. I’m making healthier food choices and getting more sleep. This hasn’t all happened over night, but with small steps, I’m progressing to accomplishing much bigger goals.
So, if you’ve landed here and had the time and patience to read through my story, perhaps we were destined to meet. I became a certified life coach so that I could help other moms in their efforts to reclaim their identities and build a life that is full and purposeful. I would love to help walk through your journey with you so that you can transform your life and start living into your authenticity as a whole, present and LIVING woman. If you'd like to discuss more, please reach out.
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